Adapting Oneself to Others

If we want to understand what the Dharma teaches us about building affinity and living in harmony with others, we must first understand the four great all-embracing virtues. The Buddha teaches that for us to realize our true capacity of connecting with and serving our fellow citizens, we have to first build a good rapport, and the four virtues are tools to that end. 

The four virtues are givingspeaking with kind wordsconducting oneself for the benefit of others, and adapting oneself to others.

Adapting Oneself to Others

The fourth virtue tells us to put ourselves in others’ shoes. If we try to force our own agenda, without taking the other person’s experience or state of mind into consideration, we are not being respectful. Worse yet, if we judge others’ points of view as inferior to our own, we are being counterproductive to creating good relationships; we are compromising the spirit of affinity.

We should regard others’ point of view with utmost respect and try to understand where they are coming from, even if we do not agree with them.

When we are sincere with others and don’t simply dismiss their viewpoint because it differs from our own or seems unimportant in our eyes, relationships have a better chance of flourishing into something positive and trusting and everything just seems to fall into place.

If we are successful in being sympathetic to another’s perspective, we will not be so quick to lay blame at others’ feet or so stubborn in asserting our own opinion. By practicing this virtue, many potential arguments will simply not come to fruition. The following story demonstrates how a certain family has not yet put the fourth great virtue into practice. As each family member maintains their own rigid viewpoint without considering the other’s feelings, an argument escalates that could have easily been avoided.

Another way to practice the virtue of adapting ourselves to others is through a simple method that we can use in our everyday life. When practiced sincerely and without resentment, this method works every time. All you have to do is remember this: 

You are right; I am wrong.” 

This may sound counterintuitive because we are so entrenched in our habit of looking out for ourselves and defending our own opinions, however, it is a worthwhile practice and always keeps peace between people.

I encourage you to try “You are right and I am wrong”—even if only once. Your affinity with others will bloom like a lovely flower, and potential conflicts will wither away.

When we practice the four great all-embracing virtues, we are on our way to realizing our capacity for connection with others. Taking is turned into giving; harsh words are turned into compassionate ones; selfish thinking is turned into consideration for others; troublesome relationships are turned into harmonious ones; and animosity is turned into affinity.

From Living Affinity, written by Venerable Master Hsing Yun.

Image from Pixabay.

More Featured Articles

Master Zhiyi’s “six wonderful methods” describe four different kinds of specialized breathing: bellowing winds, broken panting, low-pitched breathing, and internalized breathing.1. Bellowing Winds“Bellowing Winds” describes when one’s inhalations become more and more powerful. As the breathing becomes deeper and longer it can become very loud. This is because, once the power of one’s concentration has been gathered, it can be transferred elsewhere with great force. Read more
Among our many relationships, many forms and types exist. There are friendships, family connections, teacher-student bonds, marriages, relationships with and between monastics, and many other kinds. How we choose to develop, nourish and manage these specific relationships determines our own joy and contentment, as well as that of our fellow human beings, and ultimately, our community and world as a whole.  How wonderful our lives Read more
We should always try to see the good in others, not the bad. On the samsaric level of this saha world alone, back-biting and faultfinding are known by most people to be totally counter-productive. Not only does faultfinding produce nothing but anger and mistrust, but the effects of negative speech also create an environment in which it becomes difficult to do anything positive. Read more
Birth and death are realities of life. Regardless of who we are, we cannot escape either one. While birth is celebrated, death is feared by most. In order to cope with our fear, we often seek comfort in religion. Although each of the world's major religious traditions has its own teaching concerning death, Buddhism is the only one that promotes the doctrine of impermanence as one Read more
What, exactly, is the meaning contained within this gong’an? For instance, some have asked, what are people like? This is a very difficult question to answer because if there are things they are like, then there are things they are not like. If we answer that people are like ghosts, then there are also people among ghosts. If we say ghosts are like people, then Read more
If someone who holds firmly to the name of Avalokit­esvara were to find themselves in a fire, no matter how big, they need not fear being burned by it because of the Bodhi­sattva’s awe-inspiring spiritual powers. Specifically the passage describes one who “upholds the name.” The Chinese character chi (持), “uphold,” means to hold firmly to or mindfully maintain something. One who upholds the name Read more
In devoting my life to Buddhism, in order to keep Buddhism current with the advances in society, in terms of thoughts, I am always making improvements at every hour and moment; in terms of practice, I am constantly and continuously making adjustments. Even though I know that Buddhism must be reformed, innovation never comes into being in the heat of the moment. My “silent revolution” Read more
Humans are “masters of the myriad creations of this earth” but are also the creators of problems. The arising of all problems in this world is related to humans, including today’s problems concerning environmental preservation. They also arise because of humanity’s selfishness, ignorance, and interruption of the harmony and natural cycles of the world, to the point where there are continuous natural calamities and changes. Read more
All these naturally beautiful landscapes of the world are odes of praise to the beauty and wonder of nature. The beauty of nature is really enchanting and fascinating! Read more
It seemed that I had to do every­thing for Buddhism. For Buddhism, I have to only set the tone and not be­come the master, hand over my physi­cal body to the temple and give my life to the Dharma protectors, heav­enly beings and nagas, and making the aspiration to head out for Buddhism, striving to move Buddhism to­ward humanity and society. It seemed then that Read more
"To bear disgrace and insult" is the most important virtue a person can possibly cultivate, because the ability to forbear is enormously powerful, since a moment of anger can destroy an entire lifetime of merits. By restraining our emotions, we have a better chance of avoiding confrontation and gaining control of the situation at hand. Otherwise, our minds will be clouded and our judgment impaired. Read more
If we want to understand what the Dharma teaches us about building affinity and living in harmony with others, we must first understand the four great all-embracing virtues. The Buddha teaches that for us to realize our true capacity of connecting with and serving our fellow citizens, we have to first build a good rapport, and the four virtues are tools to that end. The four Read more